Goodbye loneliness...

Today is a hard day.

I'm lonely today. I went to Bible study this morning. It was really good. But I seem to lack the ability to connect with the women there. I can have a nice, short conversation with anyone. But I want some friends. I want an older lady to talk to. I want to not be alone all day struggling with myself and my thoughts. No wonder God said that it's not good for man to be alone. Regardless, it's a good opportunity to pray. It's a good opportunity to learn to rejoice in all things that Christ is my salvation. But I don't like feeling lonely.

The first time I ever experienced loneliness was when I was five years old. Mom packed everyone in the van and headed out somewhere, but somehow I didn't make it to the van in time and no one noticed I wasn't there. They left. I went outside and realized that everyone was gone. It welled up inside of me, and then the tears flowed. I was a tough little cookie though. I found a blanket to wrap up in and a cinnamon roll to eat. I felt comforted. But it hurt. If I think about that memory long enough I can still shed a tear for my five year old self.

When I got older and moved away from home, I felt the loneliness some more. I lived by myself for about five months. I absolutely loved the solitude for the first three months. And then I realized I wanted my family back. I wanted to go home and curl up on the couch and listen to mom read Laura Ingalls to everyone while a smaller sister played with my hair. I wanted to be hugged. But there wasn't anyone there. So I learned to be tough some more. But it hurt. I learned to rely on the Lord and to be better friends with Him. I spent more time listening to Him through His Word and talking to Him through prayer. He listened.

For seven more months I learned so much about living as a Christian for God's glory through a study of the book of James that I did. During that time I became friends with a guy on Facebook who had a similar passion for the Lord. We sent emails back and forth quite a bit. I enjoyed the theological discussions. Then we met in person. I felt the loneliness again... Here was a guy I could see myself with. But I couldn't be with him because the Lord hadn't said that I could. Besides for that, he hadn't said anything about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Besides for that, he lived on the other side of the world. I just prepared myself to have a fun time during his stay in Indiana and then to say goodbye forever. I was OK with that because I wanted God's will above my own. But it hurt.

Two weeks into his stay we went on a walk and he brought up the possibility of a relationship. He was nervous. I could tell. I told him it was OK if he talked with my dad about it. He did and my dad gave the "green light". Two days later, after some discussion and prayer, I decided that I would do it. I would be his girlfriend. I would court him. I would consider him and allow him to consider me for a future mate. That night we took another walk and talked about some details of the upcoming long distance. We laughed, and we hugged, and we held hands. Then all of a sudden I felt so lonely. More lonely than I've ever felt before in my life. I sobbed for ten minutes and couldn't stop. He hugged me and told me it would be ok. My heart hurt like it had never hurt before. I was scarred of the loneliness I would feel if I fell in love with him and had to be away from him. I was scarred of feeling vulnerable and being hurt again. I was scarred of love and the pain that inevitably goes with it. I still am...

I find comfort and joy in knowing that in Christ I am made perfect. I have peace with God and the peace of God through Jesus Christ. I am in Him and He is my joy. God sometimes lovingly allows us to go through things that are difficult, things that stretch us beyond what is comfortable. For me, five and a half months ago, it was the sudden surprise of a relationship. I was quite happy at that time to be single for much longer. I felt lonely enough as it was and was happy to find my comfort in Christ. I didn't think I needed a relationship (especially a long distance one) to intensify the loneliness. It was easier being single. I was happy to be in the relationship when it happened, but it has certainly proved to be one of the most difficult things I've been through as I've walked with the Lord so far.

There are so many unknowns. There's so much that I still need to grow in. So many areas that I'm so weak in still. There's still the very real possibility that somewhere down the road we will end our courtship and continue seeking the Lord's will apart from each other. It is such a stretch to be willing to look at that possibility and say with joy in my heart, "It's OK Lord, you do what is best. I'll go along with anything because I love you more than my own life." But I know I have to. Over. And over. And over. And over. Every day I have to release my desires, my insecurities, my false joys, my anger, and my loneliness to Him and to His perfect will. I know that He loves me. And I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. I know that whichever way this road turns, God will use it for my good. Not because I am good, but because Jesus is good and took my place in death. He has chosen to love me and He has chosen me to love Him. My life is in His hands. I rejoice in Him. I'm not lonely when I rejoice in Him. And I don't often try to "tough it out" anymore. Instead, I find comfort in His love for me. It doesn't matter if I get married or not. It doesn't matter who I get married to for that matter. Nothing in this life will bring me complete satisfaction. Only He can satisfy me. I must live for Him. And I'm glad to do so.

Goodbye loneliness. I will reflect on the gospel and find my comfort in Christ. You can't beat me down or separate me from His love.

Romans 8:28-39

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: "For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter." Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.