THIRTY NINE

I leave for Australia in 39 days. How is that possible?

Since I'm now in the 30s, I gave myself the liberty of beginning packing, shopping, and to-do lists. I'm very excited. :)

Hi, I'm George.

"Well, would you look at that, Emojean! George got an A+." I felt a little pride well up inside me. Grandpa had administered a perfect grade because I had thoroughly cleaned my plate that night. Good thing Grandma made something I liked! One time I earned an F- - that was for throwing away a portion of my dinner, but Grandpa found it, made me dig it out of the trash can, and eat it. What a lesson that taught me! I pretty much got A’s from then on out.

Fast forward 15 years.

Today, on Valentine’s Day 2011, Emojean, my lovely Grandma Brown, lost her Valentine. Grandpa passed away to be with his Lord. We wept as we watched the monitor screen exhibit a straight line where the steady pulse of a heartbeat had been. We wondered how it could be that today was the day. Grandma said to me, "It doesn't seem real. I thought this day would never come."

Shuffle.

Grandpa met and married Grandma when they were young. Here's a picture of them in passionate love:

Little did they know that they would be blessed with 68 years of marriage, six beautiful children, 27 grandchildren, and 18 great-grandchildren.

Shuffle.

Christmas, 1997. The family is gathered together - all 27 Georges, all six of the original “Brown kids," and Grandpa and Grandma. I remember watching Grandpa look around at the craziness. In his hands, he held a plate of food – which likely had some of Grandma's fruit jello on it next to the turkey. He turned to his graceful wife and said, "Emojean, look at this mess we made!" Grandma chuckled and turned to greet another George.

Shuffle.

River Terrace, 2009. Grandpa wanted to go back to the farm. He wasn't content in his new home. He wanted back the life he had built for himself, his wife, and his family. He wanted to mow the yard, and spray the apple trees, and shoot some bothersome birds, and tend his garden. He wanted to feed the cats and let the cows in, and check his fields, and cut some wood. He didn't like how new everything was. He didn't like how clean his hands were and how he had to struggle to hear people speak. He didn't like the new routine. He wanted back the old way of life he was accustomed to, the way he had chosen. He wanted it all back, and with his very strong will he fought against the idea, the reality, that he wouldn't get any of it back. We watched with sadness, but knew this was best for them both.

One day, mom went to visit her parents and brought some of us grandkids along. Maria was there, and while we visited she held Grandpa’s hand. I marveled at how content he suddenly seemed. He literally held her hand for hours and talked with her. Sometimes they just sat in silence. Sometimes he would tell stories of his time in the service and cry. Sometimes they would look at pictures. Grandpa and Maria had a bond that was very sweet. Maria's personality seemed to perk Grandpa up and when she held his hand, he was OK.

Fast forward two years.

I held Grandpa's hand in the hospital and watched him struggling for each breath. I talked really loudly so he could hear me. I told him of the memories I had of visiting them on the farm, of my appreciation for his love for and faithfulness to Grandma all these years, and I told him some other things that are between me and him. When everyone else came back in the room, I mentioned how much it would have meant to Grandpa to have Maria there to hold his hand. I bet he missed that. I'm glad I got the privilege of holding his hand and talking to him, but Maria had that mysterious way with him.

Through my tears, a little bit of truth, and with humor in my heart, I said, "Grandpa never let ME hold his hand as long as he would let Maria hold it." Everyone had a good laugh. Grandpa was... "sassy". He was strong-willed up to his very last moment on earth. He was kind, usually. He could often be found scolding George (whichever one was around) for leaving the light on or not cleaning the plate. But he was always ready to teach his Georges the correct way of doing things until we learned. He was a good teacher, a hard worker, and he had a very humorous side and, at times, a very tender side. We believe he knew Jesus as his Savior and Lord and we have such great joy and peace that he is no longer suffering in his failing body.

We have so many memories of Grandpa Brown that will treasure for a long, long time. We'll have many more conversations about who he was, the things he did, and how much we loved and respected him. Although he is no longer with us on the earth, the influence he had in so many of our lives will not die. Grandpa left a legacy of determination, strength, and love. He left behind a group of people, his own descendants, who will miss him greatly.

As the years roll by, I know I will do a lot more rewinding, shuffling, and fast forwarding through Grandpa's life. If I’m as blessed as he was to live as long as he did, I’ll tell my children and grandchildren everything I know about him. Grandpa lived 89 years, but somehow that time passed as quickly as he would swat a fly. Grandma was right. It does seem surreal; we never thought this day would come.

Fast forward to my future.

"Hi, I'm George."

"No you're not! You're MOM!"

"Yes, I am. Grandpa Brown called me George."

"Who's Grandpa Brown?"

Rewind.

We love you Grandpa, and we miss you already!

52

This morning the temperature was -7 degrees Fahrenheit (-22 degrees Celsius). My poor little car was rumbling extra badly as I drove to work. Work was slow, as it has been for a few weeks.

When I got home from work at 2:00pm my poor roommate (who is a school teacher) was at home, sick, and in bed. She said her throat was hurting and she had a fever. I made her some chicken soup and some hot tea. Poor girl didn't get much of it down. Her boyfriend came a few hours later and took her to the hospital where she got a prescription and something to numb the pain. It turns out she does have strep throat. I might get it, but that's OK.

My swimsuit came today in the mail. I've been on a swimsuit hunt for a while now. I've been looking for a modest (relatively speaking) swimsuit that I can wear while I'm in Australia. I'm sure we won't be going to the beach often, but just in case I'll have one I can wear. It turns out I like everything about it except the butt. What's new? Now I'm on the hunt for some cute board shorts or a skirt/dress cover up.

I think I'm aging quickly. It's 8:35, I'm anti-social, and almost ready for bed. Nope, I didn't work out today. I was going to but it was just too cold to make another trip anywhere. I would have gone to the gym since there was absolutely no way I will run outside in this weather, but I just got comfortable at home and decided this was the place to be. :) I'm thankful for home.

I'm really glad that I don't have to go somewhere to talk to God. I'm really thankful that I can fellowship with Him wherever I am. I'm really glad I don't need a Catholic priest or a Buddhist monk to learn from Him and talk to Him.

I've been reading a book called "God Has a Wonderful Plan for Your Life" by Ray Comfort. I'm about half way through and have found it extremely good so far. It's a message that's so imperative to our daily lives as we share the gospel message with unbelievers around us.

One of my most favorite snacks in the whole world is a banana sliced in half with peanut butter and raisins on it. It's the best with a glass of milk.

Alright, I took the following prayer from a friend's blog. It is so so wonderful. Here it is:

Evening Praise

Giver of all, another day is ended and I take my place beneath my great

redeemer's cross, where healing streams continually descend, where balm is poured into

every wound, where I wash anew in the all-cleansing blood, assured that Thou seest in

me no spots of sin. Yet a little while and I shall go to Thy home and be no more seen;

help me to gird up the loins of my mind, to quicken my step, to speed as if each moment

were my last, that my life be joy, my death glory.

I thank Thee for the temporal blessings of this world—the refreshing air, the light

of the sun, the food that renews strength, the raiment that clothes, the dwelling that

shelters, the sleep that gives rest, the starry canopy of night, the summer breeze, the

flowers' sweetness, the music of flowing streams, the happy endearments of family,

kindred, friends. Things animate, things inanimate, minister to my comfort. My cup runs

over. Suffer me not to be insensible to these daily mercies. Thy hand bestows blessings:

Thy power averts evil. I bring my tribute of thanks for spiritual graces, the full warmth of

faith, the cheering presence of Thy Spirit, the strength of Thy restraining will, Thy

spiking of hell's artillery. Blessed be my sovereign Lord!

Evening Prayer

O lover of Thy people, Thou hast placed my whole being in the hands of Jesus, my

redeemer, commander, husband, friend, and carest for me in Him. Keep me holy,

harmless, undefiled, separate from sinners; may I not know the voice of strangers, but

go to Him where He is, and follow where He leads. Thou hast bathed me once for all in

the sin-removing fountain, cleanse me now from this day's defilement, from its faults,

deficiencies of virtue, harmful extremes, that I may exhibit a perfect character in Jesus. O

Master, who didst wash the disciples' feet, be very patient with me, be very

condescending to my faults, go on with me till Thy great work in me is completed. I

desire to conquer self in every respect, to overcome the body with its affections and

lusts, to keep under my flesh, to guard my manhood from all grosser sins, to check the

refined power of my natural mind, to live entirely to Thy glory, to be deaf to unmerited

censure and the praise of men. Nothing can hurt my new-born inner man, it cannot be

smitten or die; nothing can mar the dominion of Thy Spirit within me; it is enough to

have Thy approbation and that of my conscience. Keep me humble, dependent,

supremely joyful, as calm and quiet as a sucking child, yet earnest and active. I wish not

so much to do as to be, and I long to be like Jesus; if Thou dost make me right I shall be

right; Lord, I belong to Thee, make me worthy of Thyself.

Evening Renewal

My Father, if Thy mercy had bounds, where would be my refuge from just wrath?

But thy love in Christ is without measure. Thus, I present myself to Thee with sins of

comission and omission, against Thee, my Father, against Thee, adorable redeemer,

against Thee and Thy strivings, 0 Holy Spirit, against the dictates of my conscience,

against the precepts of Thy Word, against my neighbours and myself. Enter not into

judgment with me, for I plead no righteousness of my own, and have no cloak for

iniquity. Pardon my day dark with evil.

This night I renew my penitence. Every morning I vow to love Thee more fervently,

to serve Thee more sincerely, to be more devoted in my life, to be wholly Thine; Yet I

soon stumble, backslide, and have to confess my weakness, misery and sin. But I bless

Thee that the finished work of Jesus needs no addition from my doings, that His oblation

is sufficient satisfaction for my sins.

If future days be mine, help me to amend my life, to hate and abhor evil, to flee

the sins I confess. Make me more resolute, more watchful, more prayerful. Let no evil

fruit spring from evil seeds my hands have sown; Let no neighbour be hardened in vanity

and folly by my want of circumspection. If this day I have been ashamed of Christ and His

Word, or have shown unkindness, malice, envy, lack of love, unadvised speech, hasty

temper, let it be no stumbling block to others, or dishonour to Thy name. 0 help me to

set an upright example that will ever rebuke vice, allure to goodness, and evidence that

lovely are the ways of Christ.

Goodbye loneliness...

Today is a hard day.

I'm lonely today. I went to Bible study this morning. It was really good. But I seem to lack the ability to connect with the women there. I can have a nice, short conversation with anyone. But I want some friends. I want an older lady to talk to. I want to not be alone all day struggling with myself and my thoughts. No wonder God said that it's not good for man to be alone. Regardless, it's a good opportunity to pray. It's a good opportunity to learn to rejoice in all things that Christ is my salvation. But I don't like feeling lonely.

The first time I ever experienced loneliness was when I was five years old. Mom packed everyone in the van and headed out somewhere, but somehow I didn't make it to the van in time and no one noticed I wasn't there. They left. I went outside and realized that everyone was gone. It welled up inside of me, and then the tears flowed. I was a tough little cookie though. I found a blanket to wrap up in and a cinnamon roll to eat. I felt comforted. But it hurt. If I think about that memory long enough I can still shed a tear for my five year old self.

When I got older and moved away from home, I felt the loneliness some more. I lived by myself for about five months. I absolutely loved the solitude for the first three months. And then I realized I wanted my family back. I wanted to go home and curl up on the couch and listen to mom read Laura Ingalls to everyone while a smaller sister played with my hair. I wanted to be hugged. But there wasn't anyone there. So I learned to be tough some more. But it hurt. I learned to rely on the Lord and to be better friends with Him. I spent more time listening to Him through His Word and talking to Him through prayer. He listened.

For seven more months I learned so much about living as a Christian for God's glory through a study of the book of James that I did. During that time I became friends with a guy on Facebook who had a similar passion for the Lord. We sent emails back and forth quite a bit. I enjoyed the theological discussions. Then we met in person. I felt the loneliness again... Here was a guy I could see myself with. But I couldn't be with him because the Lord hadn't said that I could. Besides for that, he hadn't said anything about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Besides for that, he lived on the other side of the world. I just prepared myself to have a fun time during his stay in Indiana and then to say goodbye forever. I was OK with that because I wanted God's will above my own. But it hurt.

Two weeks into his stay we went on a walk and he brought up the possibility of a relationship. He was nervous. I could tell. I told him it was OK if he talked with my dad about it. He did and my dad gave the "green light". Two days later, after some discussion and prayer, I decided that I would do it. I would be his girlfriend. I would court him. I would consider him and allow him to consider me for a future mate. That night we took another walk and talked about some details of the upcoming long distance. We laughed, and we hugged, and we held hands. Then all of a sudden I felt so lonely. More lonely than I've ever felt before in my life. I sobbed for ten minutes and couldn't stop. He hugged me and told me it would be ok. My heart hurt like it had never hurt before. I was scarred of the loneliness I would feel if I fell in love with him and had to be away from him. I was scarred of feeling vulnerable and being hurt again. I was scarred of love and the pain that inevitably goes with it. I still am...

I find comfort and joy in knowing that in Christ I am made perfect. I have peace with God and the peace of God through Jesus Christ. I am in Him and He is my joy. God sometimes lovingly allows us to go through things that are difficult, things that stretch us beyond what is comfortable. For me, five and a half months ago, it was the sudden surprise of a relationship. I was quite happy at that time to be single for much longer. I felt lonely enough as it was and was happy to find my comfort in Christ. I didn't think I needed a relationship (especially a long distance one) to intensify the loneliness. It was easier being single. I was happy to be in the relationship when it happened, but it has certainly proved to be one of the most difficult things I've been through as I've walked with the Lord so far.

There are so many unknowns. There's so much that I still need to grow in. So many areas that I'm so weak in still. There's still the very real possibility that somewhere down the road we will end our courtship and continue seeking the Lord's will apart from each other. It is such a stretch to be willing to look at that possibility and say with joy in my heart, "It's OK Lord, you do what is best. I'll go along with anything because I love you more than my own life." But I know I have to. Over. And over. And over. And over. Every day I have to release my desires, my insecurities, my false joys, my anger, and my loneliness to Him and to His perfect will. I know that He loves me. And I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. I know that whichever way this road turns, God will use it for my good. Not because I am good, but because Jesus is good and took my place in death. He has chosen to love me and He has chosen me to love Him. My life is in His hands. I rejoice in Him. I'm not lonely when I rejoice in Him. And I don't often try to "tough it out" anymore. Instead, I find comfort in His love for me. It doesn't matter if I get married or not. It doesn't matter who I get married to for that matter. Nothing in this life will bring me complete satisfaction. Only He can satisfy me. I must live for Him. And I'm glad to do so.

Goodbye loneliness. I will reflect on the gospel and find my comfort in Christ. You can't beat me down or separate me from His love.

Romans 8:28-39

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: "For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter." Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

54

Today I wrote Doug a letter. It's for Valentine's Day and none of you can read it. Ha.

I relish the fact that I can send a private letter to someone special. I don't do it often. In fact Doug and I haven't sent ANY snail mail since before we started dating/courting (whatever you want to call it!). *GASP* "You sent snail mail BEFORE you were dating?", you say. "SCANDALOUS!" Wait, wait, wait! Hold your wild horses. *I* was NOT sending snail mail to anyone. DOUG was. I wash my hands of this accusation and pass it on to my honey. Yes, HE was sending me snail mail. It just happened a few times. Not only did he send me a letter, the first time he also sent me a box completely filled with random Australian paraphernalia. Lydia, my dear room mate, was shocked and appalled. I absolutely loved it! There was a cork hat, Australia flag socks, flip flops (also known in Australia as Thongs *gag*), an authentic Australian flag, a little desk clock in the shape of a boomerang, a boomerang (legitimate, and complete with instructions on how to throw it - thats a different story), chocolate covered macadamia nuts, temporary Australian flag tattoos, and even more that I can't think of now. After receiving such an elaborate gift, I did have some questions about his intentions, but as far as I was concerned I had done nothing to bring on this kind of behavior, so I simply enjoyed it and moved on. As they say, "The rest is history."

On Sunday, Hope came home with me for a few days. We had fun together. Monday turned out to be an extremely lazy day. We accomplished close to nothing. We watched part of America's Next Top Model (terrible in almost every way), and had three hour naps. We intended to run, but it didn't happen.. :-/. So on Tuesday we determined to be more productive. It worked. We went on a 2.5 mile run together in the FREEZING cold, did 300 sit-ups, some pushups, and some squats with weights. We went shopping for some food for dinner. We made a delicious quinoa salad with chicken, cranberries, cucumbers, grapes, and herbs. For desert we had raspberry sorbet and a bit of chocolate ice cream. It was a small treat, but such a nice one. To finish off our meal we had hot yerbe mate tea (a green tea and mint tea mix). What made it so much nicer was the fact that Lydia (the sister Lydia) joined us for dinner after classes downtown and we had some wonderful dinner conversation that was remarkably "Davey-ish" (PS. You will not know what that means unless you are a Davey, but I figure that there are enough of us Daveys to get away with using an inside joke on a public blog. Heck, we probably make up at LEAST half of the people in the world! JK). I love having my red headed sisters over. :) I was missing one of them though. I would have loved to have you over, Sarah! And of course, I missed all my brunette and blonde sisters too. :)

Doug informed me yesterday that he thinks he's sick with tonsillitis. It makes me sad to think of him being sick and not being able to do a thing about it. If this long distance relationship stuff were good for only one thing it would be teaching me how to be more faithful in prayer. Boy, have I learned a lot about that. There's so much that I have to commit to the Lord because of my absolute inability to do anything about it. A comforting thought is that God is there with him and will use all things for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purposes. I'm praying for his speedy recovery. Please do the same!

I've enjoyed keeping up with my sister Maria on her blog "Taking The World Into My Arms". Read and enjoy.

Blessings to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

57

I'm down to 57 days. Time is flying.

The weather is beautiful today. There's lots of falling snow. I'm driving back to Lafayette today to spend a couple days with my family. I miss them all so much and will be so happy to be with them. I'm going to have to drive carefully and very slowly because of the road conditions. A few days ago we had the third worst ice storm that we've every seen. Everything was covered in so much ice! My car had six inches of ice in some spots. We had fun chipping the ice away, but it was only fun because my roommate and her boyfriend helped me. The whole Indianapolis school system took three of the five days off of school.

I'm currently studying the book of Philippians with a bunch of ladies at my church. This morning I spent a good amount of time looking up some cross references to 'bond-servant' and learning what it means to be a servant to Christ. I wrote in my journal (which I hardly ever do!), am one paper closer to being done with reviewing a large stack of notes, and had some wonderful time in prayer and fellowship with the Lord. It amazes me that we have the ability to come boldly before the throne of grace, that in the name of Christ we have been given the right to pray to the Father. What an incredible, miraculous, undeserved blessing.

I'm about to take off for Lafayette. I just need to shower and get myself ready. Fortunately my apartment is clean and organized and all laundry is done. I love coming back to my place being clean, warm, and inviting.

I exercised a bit this morning. I did 15 pushups, 30 situps, 30 crunches, 10 side crunches, and 20 leglifts. I need to do a bit more than that though. The weather has kept me from running this week. Sad.

Did I mention that I leave in 57 days? That's right. 57. I'm SO excited! It's getting a bit more real that this is actually going to happen. I can hardly wait to see Doug. :) We're not talking for the next few days since I'll be gone. I'm going to miss him even more. I sound so sappy, but he really has become one of my very closest friends and it's hard to be away from a dear friend. Getting off the plane and hugging him will be a very climactic moment. Not the most climactic moment in our relationship, but certainly one of them.

58

I'm currently 58 days away from leaving the country to visit Doug. For those of you who don't know, I've taken this semester off of school because I leave in April for Australia and wouldn't have time to finish classes. It works out incredibly well though because it leaves more time for me to work and save for Australia. Last semester I took out a small loan (relatively speaking) for school, and have been working hard to pay it off. It's looking quite hopeful that I'll be able to pay it off before I visit Oz and continue living without financial debt. What a blessing! Living this way is not easy and it seems that EVERYTHING takes longer, but it is so very rewarding. I want to live my life in debt to only one thing - God Himself. What I've learned, though, is that debt to God is very different than debt to a human or an institution. God gave his only Son to take my place so that I would be set free from the bondage of my sin against Him. This debt that I now owe to Him, for what He did for me, is my life. I owed him my life before but as a penalty for unrighteousness (and it still wouldn't have been enough to pay for all that I did in blatant disobedience to Him). Now, because He loved me, I owe my life to him out of grateful love for what He did for me. And the best thing about it is that He is the most WONDERFUL master. He is not hard, or cruel, or uncaring, or unfriendly, or distant, or demanding of impossible things. He does not work me to the ground until I have no strength left. Instead He supplies all of my needs and more, abundantly! His joy IS my strength! As if giving His only Son wasn't enough, He also gave me His very own Spirit who works in me to desire to do his will.. Without Him working that out in me, I wouldn't even possess the power to WANT to good, much less to do it. What is GOOD?? Righteousness according to the only God is good. And there is only one way to be righteous. That is in Christ. I owe Him everything. And I'm happy about it.

While I wait, wait, wait to get on that plane which will take me to a plane which will take me to a plane which will take me to Doug, I've been keeping busy. On Sunday I met a girl who was sitting by herself. She's new to the church and looking for fellowship. So this afternoon she's coming over and we're making cookies and tea. I love cookies and tea. :-) I found a healthy honey, almond, wholewheat cookie recipe. I think it will be good.

In my hall way is little chalk board that I made. On it is a countdown for my trip. Fifty-eight days and I'll be on my way. Until then, I hope to keep this blog fully loaded with updates on what I'm doing with my time. My prayer is that I will continue to do all that I do for the glory of the Lord of Hosts. I've been so tempted recently to put my desires, my self, and my ambitions above the Lord's. :( But I had an epiphany today about how important it is (especially during this time) that I focus on Him. I must spend extra time "soaking" myself in His Word, hiding it in my heart, and allowing Him to prepare me for whatever is ahead. I must forsake my own will that His will be done. I must be obedient. I must seek Him. At times I feel like an utter failure. In fact, I am an utter failure at times to do these things. It's when I'm at the end of myself, that I cry, "Lord, help". He always hears the prayer of a righteous person (and as stated earlier, I am righteous in Christ!), and He answers my prayer. What a fabulous work sanctification is. Praise the Lord.