After three weeks of being engaged, we said the most painful goodbye that either of us has ever experienced, and parted ways. I watched the little screen in front of me show a tiny plane slowly make its way over the ocean beneath as I got closer and closer to American soil. I wouldn't be seeing him for nearly 11 months, until about a week before our wedding. I sat there eating M&Ms, crying alligator tears, and flipping through my bridal magazines. My heart was in my throat.
A month and a half later, here I am. I've moved, have had a job change, have experienced very hard financial pressures and family dramas, and miss Doug more each day like I didn't know was possible. But it's not too much to bear. There have been times when I've nearly panicked and felt like it was too much. I guess I'm scared of experiencing too much because I don't know what will happen. It's kind of like when I'm on a run, and I'm pushing myself to run harder and faster... I reach a point that I feel like if I keep going like that, something bad must be about to happen. So I slow down because I can. But the longer I am a runner, the more I realize that my body will keep working if I keep pushing myself. I'm more capable that I knew. Well, it's the same with this... my spirit is able to bear a lot more than I ever knew, and I only know that now because of what I've had to go through over the past few years. I'm only able to endure so much, because I have Someone a LOT bigger than me who is actually in control of everything, who I can rely on. I couldn't be more happy! The times of tears and crying out to the Lord, begging him to help me, to make me strong enough to endure the achy heart, obedient enough to rejoice in spite of it, faithful enough to seek Him, and willing enough to learn all that I possibly can through every circumstance I am faced with, have all produced beautiful fruit - a closer walk with Jesus. When I am faithful to spend time in the Word and dig deep, He is faithful to teach me what it all means and how to apply it. When I pray continually, and do not forget His Holy Spirit's presence with me, He hears my prayers, intercedes for me, teaches me to pray according to his will, and answers those prayers! These times have been really hard. I've had to really toil some days (physically, mentally, AND spiritually), but the lessons I am learning, the training I am receiving, and grace that is poured out on me is sustaining me...but not just sustaining, it's all causing me to thrive. Oh, for a closer walk with Jesus. Oh, to know Him more and make much of HIM! Look at what He has done for me! He's been my support as He Himself sanctifies me, causing all things to work out for my good and for His own glory. He plucked me from the fires of hell that drew nearer and nearer to me. No, I'm not being dramatic. I'm being realistic. He died in my place when I hated Him and walked in complete darkness. How could I doubt His love for me? It would be foolish, not just because of what He has done, but because He is faithful still to do for me what I still don't deserve. Just being found in Jesus is all that is required to a life full every spiritual blessing. I pray daily, that no matter what I face in this life, that I will be found at the foot of the old rugged cross in a state of humble, joyful, and grateful worship to my king who died for me.
So I currently live in the middle of nowhere, and it's really boring. But you know what? I've had more opportunities than ever before to share the gospel with people who are very lonely, in sin, and hurting. I've had the opportunity to encourage people who claim to be Christians to be more in the Word and in prayer. Do you know how joy-giving it is, to see an opportunity to proclaim Christ, to take the opportunity, and at the end of it to simply know, that by the grace of God, you've been obedient and done all that you could?? It's amazing. I've often been embarrassed at the hope that I have within me when I see people who have no hope. I don't want to offend them, by not "understanding" what they're going through, so many times, to my anguish of heart, I have kept silent. But the Bible teaches us that we're not to be ashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God for salvation to any one who will believe! I've been praying much that I will be faithful and bold to speak the Word in love to people when I have a chance. The Lord has been faithfully working that out in me more and more. I'm so grateful for that. I hope to evangelize to my own kids one day.
We can't save any one. I know that. Only God saves. Only God could die on the cross for someone's sins and forgive them because He's the only One who is perfect and the only One that everyone is ultimately answerable to. But we can do our part in being faithful to spread the gospel to the world. Where ever we are, we are to make much of Christ, and to show and tell the world about Him. And the more we are conformed to His image, the more effective our witness will be and the more the world will hate us. That sounds totally contradictory, right? The goal is not to make the world hate us, but it will hate us, because it hated Him first, and we follow Him. Be prepared for suffering. I'm beginning to face it more and more.
Some people just really don't want to hear anything about God, much less Jesus! It's amazing how you can be having a nice conversation with someone about things that really don't matter much, then the moment you mention God, they miraculously "need to go now". It's over. People aren't ready to die. What I mean is that to "accept" the idea of Christ, they know they have to give something up. Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it won't produce any fruit. People instinctively know that to follow the Lord they have to give up their own rights and desires. They see it as an uncomfortable and dreadful thing to be answerable to someone, but what they don't understand, is that whether or not they acknowledge it, they are answerable to Him. But for those who are in the light, we've been given a precious understanding that it is life giving to die to ourselves! To be found in Christ is freedom! We're no longer slaves to our sin, and we no longer stumble around like a blind person in darkness. Isn't it loving to tell that to someone? You don't have to scream it in their face, and you don't have to hit them over the head with a Bible. But you can, with the help of the Helper, find a way to lovingly work it into conversation. Sometimes that can be the sole purpose of your conversation, but sometimes you can be talking about something totally unrelated and then realize, "Wow, this is the perfect opportunity to tell someone about the gospel!". It seems like very few people respond immediately, but consider Paul. He persecuted the church even though he heard them speak the truth. He knew the gospel, and the seed of the Word was being planted in His heart. Then one day, God caused the seed to grow and begin to bear fruit. There are people who probably told Paul about Christ who never knew that the Lord saved him. But we don't always get to see the fruit of our labor. Yet we have a promise that our labor will not go unrewarded. I pray that I will be a faithful worker for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
It encourages me to see growth in myself that God is causing to happen regardless of the difficult circumstances I'm facing in life right now. I don't wish a long distance relationship on anyone. It's really hard, and some days, I hurt so much, that I think I might explode. I can hardly WAIT to be back in his arms. It seems like all emotions are heightened because of our engagement, but I can't express all these emotions to the one I love because we're not with each other in person. It's weird. But we're on the home stretch. Just 9.5 more months, and then we'll be married and living together and won't ever have to say goodbye like this again. I cherish the thought of coming home to HIM at the end of the day, and talking all we want without having to hurry up because we only have 15 more minutes of credit. I so look forward to just doing life with him. How incredible will it be to start a family together and raise kids! How awesome will it be to go through the hard times with each other, to hold each other up in prayer, and to look back and be able to say together, "wow, the Lord really got US through this". I'm looking forward to really working at our marriage TOGETHER and taking on the responsibility WITH DOUG to make sure it is pleasing the Lord and effective for the gospel. It helps to know that we're in it together and our goals for our marriage are ultimately the same. I couldn't be more excited about our future.
No comments:
Post a Comment